A society I’m in is having an event tomorrow, starting early-ish, but seeing as I’ve paid the membership fee and need to look for new job opportunities in the guise of casual mingling, and because the program sounds interesting, I should probably go. To at least look like I’m making some effort.
The side issue here is, I seem to keep ballooning despite eating decent food in amounts I’d describe as normal by my standards or below that. Getting consistent exercise has been an issue lately, but I’d say I still do at least 3 hours a week? I don’t get why this is happening, which of course leads to late night paranoid thoughts of I AM TOTALLY PREGNANT despite a) it being if not 100,00 % impossible, then at least really, really, really fucking improbable; b) the complete lack of symptoms other than seeming weight gain. Fun times. It makes getting dressed mighty tiresome, even if the only objectives are to feel ok in the clothes and to not look fug/inappropriate enough to stop traffic.
There’s also that thing with an old professor of mine being there who I didn’t apologize to years ago for a situation that arose because I was exhausted and overcome by agonizing social anxiety. I somehow found the guts to ask her to take a look at my MA thesis pretty late before the deadline, which she kindly agreed to do, and then I gave up calling her about it when she didn’t call me back a few times (shitty, but I was way less able to deal with anxiety than I am now) and handed the thing in. And later heard that she had spent 2 nights on reviewing it thoroughly during a very busy work period and was insulted that I apparently hadn’t given a fuck. OTL I don’t have many regrets in life but ruining that professional relationship is one of them. She’s never spoken to me again, and I don’t know how to patch it up.
Even years later I’ve had nightmares of running into her and having her fume at me in frustration, telling me what a disappointment I’ve turned out to be, that I’ve wasted all my potential, wtf was I even doing with my life, etc.